03 April 2011

(naked fisticuffs are always optimal)

Via Got Medieval: Myths RETOLD does exactly what it says on the tin, with ATTITUDE. For instance, Beowulf. Here's our hero awaiting the murderous monster Grendel's highly predictable arrival after the party in Hrothgar's meadhall:

then the party kind of starts to wind down
so beowulf just goes ahead and strips naked
in the hopes of making this task as needlessly difficult as possible
which actually he fails to do
because it turns out no weapon on earth can harm grendel anyway
so naked fisticuffs are optimal
(naked fisticuffs are always optimal)

anyway Grendel shows up
makes a big show of ripping the doors off
which actually begs the question
do they replace the doors every day?
or does Grendel replace the doors every day
just so he will have something to rip off at night?
either way he immediately eats one of Beowulf's men
while Beowulf stands there like HMM I SEE
INTERESTING

Even if you haven't read the original, you will laugh painfully hard. Expect seriously salty language, but nothing that Beowulf himself wouldn't use if he had a MySpace page.

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